New Year Resolution – still succeeding?

The Edinburgh Healthy Chat Therapist

Here at my Edinburgh talk therapy clinic, my New Year resolve is to share some of my therapy and counselling ideas and advice on our Healthy Chat blog. So, in timely fashion, here are my thoughts on our great tradition to pledge a new year’s resolution:

What went through your mind as the bells rang in 2018?

Is it accurate to say that it was by any possibility a promise to surrender something? Cigarettes, chocolate, liquor? Take-away dinners? Retail treatment? Television or PC diversions? Betting? Biting your nails? Maybe, then again, it was a promise to start something, such as running or swimming, singing in a choir or being more friendly, or to pick up something, similar to a fit healthy body, or a six-pack torso, or a more beneficial bank account. It may have been to be more decisive at work, or to be more pleasant to your relative. Whatever it was, fourteen days down the line, how is it going for you? I might risk a figure that the individuals who picked a ‘surrendering something’ sort of determination will battle more than the individuals who started something or pick up something.

And how’s your New Year resolve bearing up?

Unfortunately, a shift in behaviour can often be short-lived unless a sound plan is in place as to what to do instead of the old and unwanted behaviour, or what is to be gained from the loss. This is because most of us have strong unconscious negative associations with words like ‘losing’ or ‘giving up’ or ‘quitting’: our brains don’t like loss, and don’t like a void where there used to be an activity. Loss is the opposite of gain, and acquisition is a core motivation in humans. Also, we have been (albeit perhaps unwittingly) conditioned to associate giving up with failure. A decision to ‘lose weight’ or ‘give up smoking’ is therefore immediately hindered, or hoist by its own petard, as my father would have said.

Another key thing to note here is that our brain is an expectation machine: it wants to be set tasks so that it can pursue and achieve them. The trick is to give our brains a positive goal, not a negative one, as it will pursue each with equal diligence. If you set your mind to not smoking, your brain will focus on smoking, and sooner or later the word ‘not’ will be forgotten. If, however, you set your mind to getting healthier, with cessation of the foul habit of filling your lungs with poison set out as a clear part of your health plan, you will have a much higher chance of success.

To take a similar vein with body weight, instead of resolving to lose weight, set out to gain that slim figure that you so desire, or find your waistline (that you know is in there somewhere because you saw it a decade ago!), or become fit and agile. The change in words is so simple it may seem insignificant, but the reframing of the resolution can make all the difference.

It’s worth bearing in mind that one session with an effective therapist or coach can help you to set out your goals for maximum effect and the ultimate positive result. Sometimes it’s invaluable to, in effect, “borrow another brain” for an objective perspective on what you are aiming to achieve.

One note of caution here is to make sure that the new activity or behaviour is not only positive, achievable and backed by sound reasoning, but is also a behaviour that you want in your life. I don’t mind admitting that (before I had studied psychotherapy and learned how our brain works) I once pledged to give up red wine, and rather unimaginatively decided to replace it with cranberry juice. By week three I had pretty much developed an allergy to cranberry juice and I subconsciously moved the ‘goalposts’ of my resolution from ‘give up’ to ‘give up for a month’ (another trick our brains are good at). On the first of February I fell upon a bottle of wine as a drowning man would a life raft.

Denial can take many forms and, if you go about it the wrong way, ‘giving up’ alcohol or cigarettes or ‘cutting down’ on foods can unnecessarily affect more of your life than you might think. Many folk who may feel they have overindulged over the festive season just choose not to go out because they will not know what to say when somebody offers them a drink or a bag of crisps. If you are ‘on the wagon’ for January then it’s no good floundering around wondering what to say when your friend is at the bar waving a wine glass at you.

But it is equally bad to stop going out: your New Year resolution wasn’t to deny yourself a social life. If ‘losing weight’ is your goal then it might feel easier to just not visit your Granny during January, because you know she will have a plate of leftover mince pies and Christmas cake on offer, and you haven’t the mental energy to turn it down. But not visiting her affects both of you in terms of your connection and attention needs — and you don’t want to abandon your Granny to a month of loneliness. Conversely, giving up computer games or TV is all fine and good unless it causes you to head out to the bar to fill the void with alcohol.

It’s useful here to borrow a technique well known to athletes, politicians and actors: mental rehearsal.

Work out in advance what you will say when someone offers you a cigarette, a beer or a portion of chips. If retail therapy is your poison, have a clear plan in place before those January sales catch your eye. Think it through and rehearse the words. Be absolutely clear in your mind. Hear yourself saying those words, “no thanks, I don’t smoke” or “no thanks, I’ve switched to a healthy diet this year” or, “let’s go ice skating instead of shopping this weekend”.

Conscious rehearsal is great up to a point, but those same athletes, actors and politicians will also be using visualisation to embed the desired mindset into their subconscious. My son can close his eyes and visualise how he wants to swim his race in a certain time. I used to use the same technique to visualise the time it would take me to complete a cross country course, and therefore where I could potentially speed up. Effective speakers take a moment in a quiet corner to visualise the calm, clear, confident authority with which they will deliver their speech. Visualisation makes use of one of the most powerful of our innate resources — our imagination — to generate images of the desired reality.

Reframing, visualising and rehearsing your own success are often the keys to achieving what you want, and to making your New Year resolution a permanent behaviour pattern in your life. A good therapist, counsellor or coach can help to kick start the process for you.

Change your thoughts – change your life

As Healthy Chat evolves and begins to morph and manifest into the vision I’ve been holding for nearly 5 years, the process has encouraged me to look at how I’ve been resourced personally to get to this point.

Since 2009 my pace of life has changed as has my family shape, my home, and my friendships. I’ve moved from a garden-flat in the energy-packed city of London to a house in a quite village on Scotland’s east coast; from independent living with my daughter, to collaborative living as an extended family. And that’s not all; my sports have changed – from squash and running to tennis and swimming – as has my fitness, diet, finances, confidence, spiritual practices, education and volunteering time.

If you’d told me even 3 years ago that my life would have sustained such all-encompassing changes I’d have said ‘no way’. And so I’m here now asking myself how it’s possible that I’m not a quivering bundle sobbing in the corner? What has sustained me, what has kept me trusting and taking just a single further step forward? The answer is multi-faceted but at the core it involves resourceful thinking, an ability to reframe any situation as positive and faith in my vision.

For years I’ve wanted uplifting, life-changing, hope-filled conversations to be as normalised and as accessible as a good gym. This culture of ‘oh he’s seeing a therapist, he must be in crisis’, or ‘she’s working with a coach, there must be a problem’ is so 1900s. In 2013, coaching and theraputic conversations are underpinned by science, research and extraordinary professionalism – they’re going to make an impact.

This new ‘personally–unlimited’ era embraces a Healthy Chat as one of many success tools – specialized, empowering, breakthrough conversations.

Living life successfully is more complex in this millennium than ever before in history. We live in a world of increased choice and where we used to filter hundreds of choices we now filter millions.

From childhood, through teens to independent living our experiences influence how we look at our world. Then on through relationships, children (or not), work choices, travel, time investments in health, fitness and fun, finances, free-time, sport, food, technology, home life, self expression, peer groups, new interests, what to let go of, what to commit to … phew … endless choices. And understandably it can all be a bit overwhelming.

Where we used to be taught by our communities that there was a ‘right way’ to live life; the evolving world culture is one of multi-levelled acceptance of difference and an embracing of diversity. Developing a new skill set of personal clarity, respect and non-judgement is key.It makes for a more colourful world canvas that way too.

New thinking means that some of the old ways have to be let go of – you get to choose which received ‘wisdom’ has value and which is baggage. Keep one, dump the other. Change your thoughts and you change your life.

Stress relief

Stress and its side effects are on the increase. The worst-case knock on effect of acute or ongoing stress can be depression, illness and a sense of being out-of-control of your life. So what are the stressors you need to look out for? How do you spot them? Then manage them in order to stay calm?

I was at a weekend conference recently and one of the topics was an exploration of how our world and cultures have evolved. Turns out that while you have more choice than every before in history – where you live, what you eat, which relationships you commit to and how your career progresses – you’re actually not always fully equipped to manage the range of choices too far beyond what you’ve been taught are ‘normal’ and ‘right’.

So if your parents did a church, white wedding, you’re more likely to want the same regardless of whether you’ve been active in developing your faith up to the point of choosing marriage. Equally if your peers all commit to university as the right next step after high school, you may well be swayed that way even though the best choice for you could be to go straight into work, do an apprenticeship or start up on your own from day one.

Each of these compromises, the choices that take you away from where your intuition is guiding you, increases the stressors in your life and impacts your health and sense of wellbeing. So how do you navigate your own path? How do you get to a place where life has success and meaning for you for now and for whenever you view your future?

The key is calmness. Keeping an emotional equilibrium allows your brain to filter in the best choices for you at any given time. Investing time in knowing what you want from life will also fast track your decision making and your ability to achieve. So get some clarity around who you most like to spend time with, what your career goals are, where you want to travel, how fit you want to be, how you want to contribute to your community and what activities make you most happy in any given moment.

Developing calmness – which leads to awareness – can be done in any number of ways. You can do it through breathing, mindfulness, running, swimming, mediation, prayer, reading, writing, talking, quiet contemplation, exploring, painting … the list is endless. You can work out what’s most effective for the person you are and the lifestyle you lead. Then as you practice integrating conscious calmness into your life you’ll notice that your thoughts remain clearer, your decision making becomes more targeted, your compromising reduces and your sense of self-worth and achievement are daily celebrations.

Relief from stress is a positive choice. It’s a necessary part of achieving in today’s increasingly complex world. And it’s your route to opportunity and meaning in a way that only you would resonate with. Your life, your life choices, your calm happiness.

Successful Retirement

If you ask an under 30 what successful retirement means to them I’m sure at least 95 % of them would look mystified. Ask the same question to an over 50 and 95% of them would have an idea of how they want to spend their time and how their process for planning for it is progressing. So where’s and what is the tipping point?

The traditional word ‘retirement’ brings to mind a mid-sixties person who has committed to a career for 40 or more years. They’ve earned a change of routine and no longer want to work.

There’s a new perception of retirement evolving though and it’s this – a time where you no longer need to work, but you choose to because the selected work that you contribute to is something you love. Where there’s financial independence in someones 30s, 40s or 50s they might realistically ‘retire’ from the need to work and commit time only to the people and projects that uplift their lives, utilise their skills and get the outcomes that makes them most happy.

Whatever type of retirement you’ve created in your mind, one things’ for sure, to make it successful you have to be clear what you want to spend your time on. It could be any or all of family, reading, consulting, sport, travel, investment in your community, new learning, relaxing, campaigning … anything at all – the time is yours to design and develop as you wish.

Change of any kind can be challenging so when 40 years of routine with a community of colleagues comes to an end, don’t be to hard on yourself if the adjustment to managing your own time takes a bit of a while. The key is persisting, planning, doing more of what you notice you’re enjoying and less of what you notice you’re not.

Succeeding with significant life changes make up much of what we have conversations about at Healthy Chat. Clients get super clear on what success would look like for them  – they imagine, they speak it out, they hear themselves be convincing and subsequently their brain is honed to bring about that satisfying outcome for them in as short a time as possible. Whether it’s retirement, relationships, career change, lifestyle change, successful marriage, friendly divorce, teenage changes, it’s always a smoother process to get right first time (because we all get their in the end …even if it takes a few shots) when there’s clarity, a strategy and a heap of positive feedback.

Successful retirement – you can, you can, you can.

 

Your relationship with risk

For many people ongoing exposure to new risks and lots of change is a sure fire formula for panic attacks or at the very least stress-related physical symptoms. For about a year now I’ve held the intention to open up a ‘conversation shop’; somewhere where people can come and talk to a variety of highly trained professionals and walk away after 60-mintues with a sense of clarity, hope and uplift about their future — a brand new perspective on their life.

Sounds amazing, right?

I’ve run a variety of businesses over the past 10 years — some more successful than others — and I’ve learned a lot in that time about risk, confidence and self-care. I now do as much as I know how to do and then let go of the rest. I trust that after a period of conscious due diligence, the extra stuff I need to learn is just going to have to happen as I step out on the journey. I’ve learned to trust in people’s good will. I treat myself with gentleness and respect (mostly!). And I know that unless someone’s walked the path of entrepreneurship and personally put their skills, finances and reputation on the line, I don’t overly value their business-related advice.

With all this in mind I figured I was pretty skilled when it came to managing risk. I could manage my thoughts and feelings and stay healthy and balanced while I stretch beyond my known comfort zone. So I was surprised to say the least when 3 weeks ago my body started to react to all this change, this upscaling, this re-defining my business model and client list — and I got ill. I presented with a fever, hacking coughing (proper anti-social!) and a feeling of not being part of the people or world I was in. I floated through those 21 days being there — in my meetings, during my calls, playing my sport (what was I thinking!!) — but really NOT being there.

I’ve realised through the not very pleasant process that conscious awareness does not excuse you from sub-conscious fear. And that having to stretch and step up at every life juncture where change is occurring is part of the process — and we may just have to face the fear (in our mind, body or both) and get on with the process. It could be you setting up a new business, or it could be change or risk in the form of marriage, divorce, a career move, an illness, a new community, a promotion, a job loss — whatever. Stick with the vision.

In the signing of a contract and the right support from the right people at the right time (thank goodness for the diamonds that are friends and family!), my risk knowledge has gone up a level. And I’m excited now. I’m recovering and energised for this next adventure: to serve adults and children with psychotherapeutic and success coaching services — to support them each through change, stretching and their own relationships with risk. The shop is open for Healthy Chats — life-changing conversations.

Enough with tolerating

This afternoon I chose to leave work a little early and go down to the pool for some exercise and some mind clearing. After 30 minutes and with 64 lengths done and dusted (that’s a mile exactly if you’re wondering about the random number) I headed to the showering area.

As I was washing my hair a woman with a young son and daughter pushed the buttons of the showers opposite. Whilst the mum and son quietly got on with their shampooing, the daughter felt the water on her back and said ‘burning, burning, burning …’. Strangely though, she didn’t step out from underneath the heat of the shower. She stayed in there chanting ‘burning, burning, burning …’ over and over again as her mum encouraged her to ‘get on with it, get your hair washed’ and re-pressed the water button for more.

Clearly the child wasn’t genuinely burning or anywhere near it, but it got me thinking …

How many of us tolerate ongoing discomfort on a daily basis without taking action to change things? How many people speak to friends and family about how demoralising is their job, or how disrespectful is their relationship, then get up the next day and tolerate it all over again. How many adults suffer weeks, months and years of repetitive, joy-less ‘burning, burning, burning …’ in their life expecting someone else to show up and rescue them? Far too many is the answer.

The dictionary defines tolerating as ‘allowing the existence, occurrence, or practice of something that one dislikes or disagrees with without interference’. So why do we do that? Where do we learn that that’s ok?

In my experience there are 2 main reasons: the first is that we’ve seen tolerating modelled to us from a young age (parents in an unhappy marriage for example) or society tells us there’s one right way (‘divorce would be failing’) and we haven’t thought to challenge those models; and the second is that tolerating creeps up on us so slowly and over such an extended amount of time that we’ve forgotten that the contrasting experience really exists.

Whatever the reason, if you’re reading this and you’re an adult tolerating stressful, depressing, disrespectful days on end, then it’s time to stop it. And the first step’s already occurred – you’ve noticed. Sometimes that’s all that needs to happen because then you’ll begin to spot that choices are available to you.

Choosing not to tolerate means making a choice for change.

And change doesn’t have to be sudden, severe or painful – I’m not advocating job quitting or relationship ditching (although they could be valid choices – only you’ll know). I’m saying this:

• Start to pay attention to your discomfort
• Use it to create a contrasting thought (eg. if I DON’T want to be given the routine tasks at work every day, it means I DO want to get involved with some special projects. Do you feel the empowerment of shifting a don’t to a do?)
• Write down the outcome you want to achieve (it’s good to be reminded should you have some weaker moments)
• Take action (talk to someone, research your choices, skill yourself up to get the result you want, be patient (your partner might take a while to get up to speed) and be persistent (don’t go back to how things were)
• Review every day whether your thought changes, new conversations and action taking are getting you closer to the vision

You’re a valuable, smart, worthy human being. Choose every moment to believe that. When you stand up for happiness, you’ll be surprised who’ll show up to stand with you.

A psychotherapist worth their salt

When you’re seeking out a psychotherapist in Dundee, Edinburgh, Glasgow or London, how will you know a good one from a mediocre one? It’s not like a hairdresser where every friend you have has been to one so you can ask for a recommendation from your mate with a hairstyle or colour you love.

As with any trained person whose expertise you want to access – a graphic designer, a doctor, a sports coach, a financial planner, a career advisor  – there are outstanding ones and there are ones who should genuinely be avoided. And the good ones are not necessarily the ones who are shouting the loudest or have the ‘trappings’ that go with success (infact often the opposite).

You’ll know the good ones because they love their work, they’re patient, they’re respectful and they’ll talk to you like they’re interested – because they authentically are – and you’ll probably hear about them from a satisfied client long before you’re hit by flash marketing stories. On the subject of psychotherapists – many can make some difference – although can they make THE difference, for YOU, right now?

When you’ve got to the point of not accepting another day with depression, anxiety, panic attacks or anorexia – use this checklist as a guide to finding the help you need.

An effective counsellor of psychotherapist:

• understands depression and how to lift it
• helps immediately with anxiety problems such as panic attacks, nightmares, post traumatic stress, phobias and trauma
• is prepared to give information and advice as needed
• will not use jargon or ‘psychobabble’ or tell you that counselling or psychotherapy has to be painful
• will not dwell unduly on the past
• will be supportive when difficult feelings emerge, but won’t encourage people to get emotional beyond the normal need to let go of bottled up feelings
• will help you to both draw and build upon your own inner resources (which may prove greater than you thought)
• may assist you to develop your social skills so that your needs for affection, friendship, pleasure, intimacy, connection to the wider community etc can be better fulfilled
• will be considerate of the effects of counselling on the people close to you
• may teach you to relax deeply
• will help you to think about your problems in new and more empowering ways
• uses a wide range of techniques as appropriate
• may ask you to do things between sessions
• will take as few sessions as possible
• will increase your self-confidence and independence and make sure you feel better after every consultation.

As you’ll know from the material on the Healthy Chat website, we only use Human Givens psychotherapists: they’re fast, effective and practical (research has shown Human Givens is 3 time more effective than the next most effective therapy known!). The list above is one that we each adhere to as a minimum set of professional standards.

If you want a psychotherapist in Aberdeen, Liverpool or Penzance – feel free to call us first. If we have a Healthy Chat practitioner nearby, we’ll put you in touch straight away. In defining life moments, borrow only the best brain, for the fastest recovery. You deserve it.

Are you really ready for change?

It might seem like an ‘of course I am’ question, but as a psychotherapist in Dundee, with clients from Edinburgh, Glasgow, London — throughout the UK — I have to be sure each person is genuinely committed to the changes they say they want.

I met a lovely guy last month. He had suffered from depression a few times in his life. I didn’t know this as I begun to talk about the speed and effectiveness of the Human Givens approach. He said ‘but what you’re talking about wouldn’t have worked for someone like me; my depression couldn’t have been resolved quickly. It took a long time to get to depression so it took a long time to turn round’. Thankfully, this guy is upbeat, positive and impressively confident today. It did get me wondering though about how much a psychotherapist can deliver if their client holds a set of limiting beliefs like that.

Most clients are I’m glad to say committed to quick change; they don’t want another day of depression, panic attacks or trauma symptoms and they’ll re-think, re-prioritise and re-learn — whatever it takes to re-access a life of choices and freedom quickly.

Some say they are but are genuinely not ready for making adjustments. So why would they want to continue with their anxiety, their addiction or their self-harming? Well the answer to that is complex but at the foundation there has to be a perceived benefit (often subconscious) to remaining in their state of difficulty. Perhaps a person gets their attention needs met by not being able to leave their house so instead having family or carers come in and see them every day in the meantime. Perhaps a person likes the control they can exert by keeping to only 500 calories a day when their body wants 1500. Or perhaps a person remains in an abusive relationship because the story they’re playing out is about ‘having someone is better than having no-one’.

Whatever the reason, there will come a point when enough is enough and that’s often when a person will jump onto Google, search ‘therapy in Dundee … or Edinburgh or wherever’, find me (Jennifer Broadley) at Healthy Chat and pick up the phone for a first conversation. Can i just say right now that those people who make it as far as picking up the phone and speaking to me (or one of my Healthy Chat practitioners) are genuinely courageous and change-desiring individuals. For them I have confidence that the structure of how Human Givens psychotherapy is built will serve them quickly and effectively and they’re going to be implementing change and reaping the rewards from as quickly as the first session.

The challenge comes when a parent or a partner has done the persuading and a client is seeing me to pacify that person in their life. They’re showing up in body, by their mind and emotional engagement is totally elsewhere. They haven’t reached the stage yet where the discomfort they’re experiencing on a day-to-day basis is greater than the fear of doing something about it. And unfortunately this mindset is a stretch for any therapist to turn round.

Emotional and mental health have extraordinary subtleties relating to each individual who thinks and progresses through life. To get people back to operating independently, hopefully and creatively is a skill set. To support people to function healthily in relationship with themselves before they attempt to do so with others takes wisdom, know-how and patience. But overall, if a client has been down far enough that the only way now is up, then Healthy Chat, me, Human Givens psychotherapy and all the skills and experience of my therapists WILL make a difference. It’s about power in partnership — because we’re all a part of each other’s solution.

Investing in yourself

My favourite phonecalls are the ones from people who have heard about Healthy Chat or have searched for a coach, a counsellor or a psychotherapist in their area and are taking positive action to change their lives. If a company isn’t paying for their coaching, or an organisation isn’t funding their personal development, or a person’s medical insurance isn’t financing their psychotherpay … it can only mean one thing … the person calling me is committed to investing in themselves.

If that’s you I can tell from the outset you’re a motivated, forward thinking, realistic individual who knows that sometimes progress can only be made with some highly-focussed support. That knowledge puts you ahead of 90% of the planet. Much can be learned from parents, teachers, peers, colleagues and books, however sometimes there’s just no faster way of understanding where you want to go and making a clear plan to getting there than working with a coach for a session or two.

I hired my first coach when I was 32 years old. I had interviewed 6 in all (each in the US because in the early millenium there was no such thing as an executive coach in the UK!), and ultimately I picked a wise man in his 60s who was calm, intuitive and positive. He’d had 40 years of corporate life, he’d set up his own businesses and he was now semi-retired and living in a lake-view log cabin with his wife and near their children and grandchildren.

I selected him over the other coaches partly because of his life and career experience (which I could see myself emulating) and mainly because he hadn’t tried to supply me with suggestions or solutions. He just said – ‘if you think something’s possible, it likely is’.

I worked with him for over a year as I grew my first business from a single client to my first hundred clients and beyond. I spent those sessions detailing ‘I want the next part to be like this’ and my coach would ask great questions:

• what does that feel like when you see yourself signing that contract / serving that team / making a difference to that group of professionals
• what are you willing to let go in order to achieve that
• what are you unwilling to sacrifice to get that result
• how can you add more value and go the extra mile
• how can you remain authentic as a single mum, a new business owner, a student and a teacher

I stretched way beyond what I was comfortable doing – marketing my coaching services, asking for recommendations, growing my business every month, meeting with CEOs and HR Directors, presenting from a stage, running diversity programs for 100s of people at a time.

It wasn’t at all easy. I cried often. I challenged my limiting thoughts and stepped into each fear as it presented itself. I live now with the benefits of all that stretching. And I’m still doing it. I’ve had 8 coaches between that year and now. Each one was valuable for the life chapter I was in. Some were extraordinarily powerful … others I moved on from pretty quickly. And so is life’s journey. A process of visions, trials, stretches, lessons and victories.

I’m ready now for a next chapter of change. I’ve selected the coach to partner me with staying clear, motivated and authentic. What about you?

Successful divorce — is it doable?

Best together? Best apart? Stay married? Get divorced? These are not assumptions I make when a husband, wife or partner comes to talk to me (either separately or together). Relationships are extraordinarily unique things and two (or more) people can be in one, be committed, yet still have entirely different perspectives about longevity, intimacy, sharing, friendship, ownership, control, roles and contribution within a household.

We learn models of what makes a ‘good’ relationship from what we observe when we’re growing up – parents, older family, couples we know from church, school or clubs. Possibly without conscious thought we hear stories and layer assumption after assumption onto ‘marriage’ or ‘living together’ and progress into adult life with those assumptions relatively unchallenged. Rarely do they match up when we get to the point of choosing a partner and moving to co-habiting with them.

The concept of ‘forever’ is hugely tied up with a successful relationships. But is that really the case? Or can we put this in a personal choice category along with: quantity of time spent with each other; common interests; matching faiths or philosophies; cultural or socio-economily similar backgrounds. These topics could be highly relevant or not at all – there’s really no right or wrong answer.

Some of the most common assumptions I hear are:

• Yes, they’re happily married – they’ve been together for 30 years
• They have 4 children and one on the way – they’re so committed
• She’s his wife – of course she knows how he feels
• Women are just better at nurturing and raising children
• They must be happy … they never argue
• They got divorced – that’s a failed relationships

This list is inexhaustible because no people who choose to live a chapter of their life together can ever fully know how that’s going to play out over the months, years and decades to come. One of the biggest challenges to a partnership that I see is when a person or couple reference their success against other couples, then register dissatisfaction because their relationship isn’t as supportive, happy, exciting or authentic as the couple they ‘think they know’.

It’s important to note that:

• generally couples don’t disclose or dissect  their full experiences with other couples (there perhaps isn’t the time, isn’t the right trust, or there can be a sense of not wanting to be seen to be ‘failing’)
• most couples are happy to share the fun, special or unusual event or experiences of their relationship – and not the routine, painful or challenging bits
• often the people we seek advice from (older family members or friends) are having or have had similar challenges within their relationship. They may still together because they’ve developed tolerance (not a bad thing) but perhaps not always a deep understanding. They’re perhaps not fully equipped (or expert) then to offer you a well-thought-through strategy that will turn your relationship around

Successful relationships have a life cycle – they might well have ups and downs be destined for ‘forever’. They may equally have ups and downs and reach a point were one or both parties no longer see their futures together. Either way it’s the respect, the hope and the ability to communicate that will ultimately define whether successful divorce follows or whether successful togetherness continues.

Feeling sad – what you can do about it

There are a remarkable number of people who look happy, hold down jobs, parent their children, do sport and have great friends … and all the time they feel sad.

It’s not a flaw in someone’s character, it’s not a thing a person should feel guilty about (which they often do if they have many things in their life to be grateful for), and it’s often not something that needs medication as a ‘fix’.

Sadness is on the emotional spectrum like every other feeling. The trick is to learn how to move up or down that spectrum as required and often to learn to observe and accept a particular emotion as being ‘right for now’ without trying to judge it, change it or over think it.

From a very young age we are taught to associate certain feelings as being good or bad, right or wrong. So you might have been told that it’s good that you’re happy and bad that you’re sad. Or right to be grateful and wrong to be angry. As our experiences in life get wider and richer, that type of catagorising just doesn’t work for the complexities we start to experience.

Think of these situations and possible emotions:

• first love: happy, energised, confused, scared, jealous, elated, adored
• bullying partner: nervous, content, on edge, frustrated, angry, self critical, high, low, doubting, questioning
• high paid, unstimulating job: grateful, compromised, challenged, fearful (stay or go), stuck, glad (of the money & choices), stymied

So what can we do about feeling sad? Lots and lots, but here are a first few suggestions:

• Pay attention: what you think about expands. Pay attention to the thoughts that you’re thinking each part of the day and begin to notice which ones make you feel more uplifted and which ones contribute to you feel deflated. Actively choose the better feeling thoughts. This is a huge skill set – only practice will get results over time.

• Notice your diet: some people can have reactions to certain food groups. Processed sugar (in sweets, fizzy drinks, energy and chocolate bars) can give you a temporary energy high followed by a depressing sugar slump. However there are subtle allergies that our bodies might be reacting to from meats, gluten, dairy or even selected fruits or vegetables. Seek out a great nutritionist. And remember, the high from a night drinking can be paid back with an all-day low (feeling lost, sad, depressed or alone)

• Exercise often: 3-4 times per week minimum if at all possible. Raising your heart rate and releasing uplifting endorphins influences your mind towards positivity. It creates a sense of discipline and control, both of which are life an success affirming

• Edit your friendships: make an assessment of the 5 people you spend most time around. If they live life with traits you find admirable, stick with them; otherwise, dial down the time you spend with them and actively seek out inspiring, positive, encouraging relationships

• Actively up-skill your emotional resourcefulness: lots of adults are trying to achieve happiness in life with an emotional skill-set from their teenage years. Advanced life choices can require advanced communication and navigation skills to be successful. Seek out a mentor, coach or counsellor who has evidenced their results.

How do you refer a friend for therapy

It’s a tricky situation this one. When you notice a friend or family member could do with help or support beyond what you’re equipped to give, how do you suggest to them ‘I think you should see a therapist?’ without hearing expletives come back at you?

There are lots of reasons why we can spot things about our friends that they can’t see for themselves. You might see:

• A recurring pattern: dating the same type of controlling guy for example. They’re too caught up in the details of ‘but this guy’s different’ to notice that they’re repeating a life lesson

• An addiction: could be to alcohol, drugs, sex or a personality type – whatever it is it takes a very aware person to acknoweledge that they’re living with a dependence on something (or someone)

• A sadness: most people get sad sometimes – it’s part of the spectrum of emotions we’re privileged enough to encounter. The frequency and the depth to which we feel sad can differ greatly and when you’re in it it’s possible to say ‘doesn’t everyone feel down sometimes’ without recognising that you’ve been like that for 6 weeks now – your mind needs help to get back its resilience and bounce-back

• A destruction: self harming and eating disorders can often be hidden from those at work or others in a house hold. Over time though it’s often the case that family or friends will notice a routine forming or a regular oddity (why does she always go to the toilet after dinner; or why does he always wear long sleeves even on a hot  summer’s day). Often just asking the question is enough for the person to share some extra details – but reason on its own (even with the best of intentions) is rarely enough to transform the behaviour

• A debilitation: with panic attacks or with anxiety or stress, it can be the case that your friend will begin to retreat from socialising (with valid enough sounding excuses), will have increased sick days, will step down from opportunities they may previously have been front of the queue for.

To be helpful in all the above situations you would first have to be able to:

• spot the harmful changes (being drunk as a one off is different than drinking to excess 4nights a week)
• know how to confront the topic (to come alongside the person we care about and not judge them or offer simplistic solutions)
• know the limitations of what can be dealt with as a friend and what should be passed to a professional (plus also, could you recommend a great therapist? – Like a personal trainer there are ones who can talk the talk, and those who can get authentic results fast).

So here are 5 ways you could approach a conversation with a friend or family member so they might hear that you care enough to suggest they see a good therapist:

1. Ask some questions: you can’t show you genuinely care unless you’ve proved your willing to listen. ‘So what’s been going on’; ‘how have you been feeling’; ‘what are you thinking is going to turn this round’; ‘what have you tried’; ‘what are the consequences if you keep going like this’
2. Plant a seed: do your research well and tell your friend (child, sibling, parent) that you’ve heard of someone (or some therapy type – like for us it’s Human Givens therapy) who gets extraordinary results fast. ‘I can email you the website or the number if you want to check it out’.
3. Tell a ‘dear John’ story: like if you’d heard that ‘this friend of mine’s daughter’ had an amazing turn around from her addiction after she spoke to this great therapist.
4. Don’t judge: a friend doesn’t want to hear a judgement about the tough point they’re going through right now. It might seem simple to you from the outside. It’s not simple for them, so if you’re going to say a ‘should’ or an ‘ought’  – stay silent and count to 10!
5. Care & invest: if you need to go with them on session one, do it. If they need a bit more support getting into a new routine, be there. Encourage, cheer and love. They’d do the same for you.

A good night’s sleep

Julia’s Sleep Recipe:

1. decide on your ideal sleep slot eg 11pm to 7am and pledge to yourself that you’re going to stick with it until it works. Eight hours is recommended.
2. don’t sleep outside of these desired hours (ie no afternoon napping!)
3. minimise alcohol and caffeine, and no caffeine at all from lunchtime onwards
4. don’t eat a heavy meal too late in the evening, but don’t go to bed hungry either
5. have something warm and sweet (something like Ovaltine or Horlicks or hot water/milk with honey) in the hour before bedtime
6. have a deep relaxing bath in the hour before bedtime
7. don’t watch a screen (TV, computer, phone) in the hour before bedtime
8. make sure the house is dark and quiet, and you are warm and comfortable
9. get to bed with half an hour of reading time in hand, and a book you are enjoying
10. once lights out, close your eyes and let your mind drift to a place where you feel relaxed and calm (beach or woodland walk, sunbathing, lying under a tree staring through the leaves etc). At this point some people find a ‘counting sheep’ type of exercise works (it doesn’t work for me as I used to be a sheep farmer and I start to worry that one is limping, another is stuck in the fence and so on!). Another good mental exercise is writing up numbers on a blackboard then rubbing them off: start at 100 and work backwards.
11. if you aren’t asleep within about half an hour, or can’t settle, get up and do something that is boring and pointless to you, and do it standing up  eg read a phone book, count random things around the house, dust the skirting boards, polish the windows (but if you are a lover of housework, don’t do these!). DO NOT let yourself get comfortable and engaged in something interesting or something worrying, don’t eat, don’t switch on a screen. The key here is that you must not reward your brain for being awake: you need it to decide that sleep is the more attractive option (ie treat your brain a bit like a young child!)
12. Go back to bed when you feel ready and repeat from point 10 repeat 10 and 11 for as long as it takes
13. whatever has happened through the night, make sure you get up at the appointed hour (eg 7am) and stay awake all day, however tired you feel: this is a vital part of night-sleep success.

Additional notes:

Humans aren’t hard-wired to sleep through the night (we traditionally did a lot more short, catnapping type sleeps intermingled with checking for safety etc), it’s a fairly modern social construct, and we therefore have to train ourselves to do it if we want/need to fit in with life/work routines. So the above should be seen as a behavioural training schedule to capture the sleep response, ie it may not miraculously work on the first night! As with any training schedule, you have to stick with it.