How do you refer a friend for therapy

It’s a tricky situation this one. When you notice a friend or family member could do with help or support beyond what you’re equipped to give, how do you suggest to them ‘I think you should see a therapist?’ without hearing expletives come back at you?

There are lots of reasons why we can spot things about our friends that they can’t see for themselves. You might see:

• A recurring pattern: dating the same type of controlling guy for example. They’re too caught up in the details of ‘but this guy’s different’ to notice that they’re repeating a life lesson

• An addiction: could be to alcohol, drugs, sex or a personality type – whatever it is it takes a very aware person to acknoweledge that they’re living with a dependence on something (or someone)

• A sadness: most people get sad sometimes – it’s part of the spectrum of emotions we’re privileged enough to encounter. The frequency and the depth to which we feel sad can differ greatly and when you’re in it it’s possible to say ‘doesn’t everyone feel down sometimes’ without recognising that you’ve been like that for 6 weeks now – your mind needs help to get back its resilience and bounce-back

• A destruction: self harming and eating disorders can often be hidden from those at work or others in a house hold. Over time though it’s often the case that family or friends will notice a routine forming or a regular oddity (why does she always go to the toilet after dinner; or why does he always wear long sleeves even on a hot  summer’s day). Often just asking the question is enough for the person to share some extra details – but reason on its own (even with the best of intentions) is rarely enough to transform the behaviour

• A debilitation: with panic attacks or with anxiety or stress, it can be the case that your friend will begin to retreat from socialising (with valid enough sounding excuses), will have increased sick days, will step down from opportunities they may previously have been front of the queue for.

To be helpful in all the above situations you would first have to be able to:

• spot the harmful changes (being drunk as a one off is different than drinking to excess 4nights a week)
• know how to confront the topic (to come alongside the person we care about and not judge them or offer simplistic solutions)
• know the limitations of what can be dealt with as a friend and what should be passed to a professional (plus also, could you recommend a great therapist? – Like a personal trainer there are ones who can talk the talk, and those who can get authentic results fast).

So here are 5 ways you could approach a conversation with a friend or family member so they might hear that you care enough to suggest they see a good therapist:

1. Ask some questions: you can’t show you genuinely care unless you’ve proved your willing to listen. ‘So what’s been going on’; ‘how have you been feeling’; ‘what are you thinking is going to turn this round’; ‘what have you tried’; ‘what are the consequences if you keep going like this’
2. Plant a seed: do your research well and tell your friend (child, sibling, parent) that you’ve heard of someone (or some therapy type – like for us it’s Human Givens therapy) who gets extraordinary results fast. ‘I can email you the website or the number if you want to check it out’.
3. Tell a ‘dear John’ story: like if you’d heard that ‘this friend of mine’s daughter’ had an amazing turn around from her addiction after she spoke to this great therapist.
4. Don’t judge: a friend doesn’t want to hear a judgement about the tough point they’re going through right now. It might seem simple to you from the outside. It’s not simple for them, so if you’re going to say a ‘should’ or an ‘ought’  – stay silent and count to 10!
5. Care & invest: if you need to go with them on session one, do it. If they need a bit more support getting into a new routine, be there. Encourage, cheer and love. They’d do the same for you.

A good night’s sleep

Julia’s Sleep Recipe:

1. decide on your ideal sleep slot eg 11pm to 7am and pledge to yourself that you’re going to stick with it until it works. Eight hours is recommended.
2. don’t sleep outside of these desired hours (ie no afternoon napping!)
3. minimise alcohol and caffeine, and no caffeine at all from lunchtime onwards
4. don’t eat a heavy meal too late in the evening, but don’t go to bed hungry either
5. have something warm and sweet (something like Ovaltine or Horlicks or hot water/milk with honey) in the hour before bedtime
6. have a deep relaxing bath in the hour before bedtime
7. don’t watch a screen (TV, computer, phone) in the hour before bedtime
8. make sure the house is dark and quiet, and you are warm and comfortable
9. get to bed with half an hour of reading time in hand, and a book you are enjoying
10. once lights out, close your eyes and let your mind drift to a place where you feel relaxed and calm (beach or woodland walk, sunbathing, lying under a tree staring through the leaves etc). At this point some people find a ‘counting sheep’ type of exercise works (it doesn’t work for me as I used to be a sheep farmer and I start to worry that one is limping, another is stuck in the fence and so on!). Another good mental exercise is writing up numbers on a blackboard then rubbing them off: start at 100 and work backwards.
11. if you aren’t asleep within about half an hour, or can’t settle, get up and do something that is boring and pointless to you, and do it standing up  eg read a phone book, count random things around the house, dust the skirting boards, polish the windows (but if you are a lover of housework, don’t do these!). DO NOT let yourself get comfortable and engaged in something interesting or something worrying, don’t eat, don’t switch on a screen. The key here is that you must not reward your brain for being awake: you need it to decide that sleep is the more attractive option (ie treat your brain a bit like a young child!)
12. Go back to bed when you feel ready and repeat from point 10 repeat 10 and 11 for as long as it takes
13. whatever has happened through the night, make sure you get up at the appointed hour (eg 7am) and stay awake all day, however tired you feel: this is a vital part of night-sleep success.

Additional notes:

Humans aren’t hard-wired to sleep through the night (we traditionally did a lot more short, catnapping type sleeps intermingled with checking for safety etc), it’s a fairly modern social construct, and we therefore have to train ourselves to do it if we want/need to fit in with life/work routines. So the above should be seen as a behavioural training schedule to capture the sleep response, ie it may not miraculously work on the first night! As with any training schedule, you have to stick with it.

Do you feel pushed, restless or discouraged?

 

Sometimes, it can be really hard to decide where to start or how to handle the things that are upsetting us on our daily life.

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You are vital in yourself, You are the only person who can be you and You Can set a Good and Positive Example for other people  and with the help of an expert, qualified and professional psychotherapist, you can know more about yourself and be a person you want to be and you need to be. Therapist in Aberdeen gives you the idea to know yourself improvements are essential for more satisfying and fulfilling life and for that you can begin psychotherapy sessions.

You may encounter upsetting, damaging and excruciating emotions, or maybe might want to talk to someone and feel heard and comprehended, or want to change or recreate some parts in your life. I can give a safe place to talk, according to your necessities. I am a completely qualified and experienced, Integrative and Humanistic Psychotherapeutic Counselor. I have involvement in an extensive variety of life issues.

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I observe that the guiding procedure is one of a kind to every person and that every person has their own particular qualities, experiences, strengths and understanding. Sometimes, because of some reason there comes a collapse in their life and people become hollow from inside. They mentally feel crushed because of some difficult circumstances in daily life events and they tend to lose certainty, self-esteem and sight of their own self-worth. As an advisor, I encourage a sheltered, and relaxing way to them mentally with the point of supporting every client so they reconnect with their qualities, to learn new abilities and build confidence in themselves.

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Each Healthy Chat session is facilitated by a qualified Human Given’s Counsellor, Life Coach or Executive Coach as required.

To book in for your Healthy Chat session, call or email now. You can also email for a free 15-minute phone conversation to the discuss the outcome you’re looking for, explore how this therapy will work for you and ask any questions.

More info: www.healthychat.co.uk/optin/therapy/

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Read more info: www.healthychat.co.uk/optin/coaching

New Year Resolution – still succeeding?

Here at my Edinburgh talk therapy clinic, my New Year resolve is to share some of my therapy and counselling ideas and advice on our Healthy Chat blog. So, in timely fashion, here are my thoughts on our great tradition to pledge a new year’s resolution:
 

Reaching your goal can be helped by gaining an objective viewpoint 
and reframing it within a largerperspective .

 What went through your mind as the bells rang in 2017? 

Was it by any chance a pledge to give something up? Cigarettes, chocolate, alcohol? Take-away meals?  Retail therapy? TV or computer games? Gambling? Chewing your nails? Perhaps, conversely, it was a pledge to begin something, like running or swimming, singing in a choir or being more sociable, or to gain something, like a fit healthy body, or a six-pack torso, or a healthier bank balance. It might have been to be more assertive at work, or to be nicer to your mother-in-law. Whatever it was, a few weeks down the line, how is it going for you? I shall hazard a guess that those who chose a ‘giving something up’ type of resolution will be struggling more than those who chose to begin something or gain something.
  
 And how’s your New Year resolve bearing up?

Unfortunately, a shift in behaviour can often be short-lived unless a sound plan is in place as to what to do instead of the old and unwanted behaviour, or what is to be gained from the loss. This is because most of us have strong unconscious negative associations with words like ‘losing’ or ‘giving up’ or ‘quitting’: our brains don’t like loss, and don’t like a void where there used to be an activity. Loss is the opposite of gain, and acquisition is a core motivation in humans. Also, we have been (albeit perhaps unwittingly) conditioned to associate giving up with failure. A decision to ‘lose weight’ or ‘give up smoking’ is therefore immediately hindered, or hoist by its own petard, as my father would have said.

Another key thing to note here is that our brain is an expectation machine: it wants to be set tasks so that it can pursue and achieve them. The trick is to give our brains a positive goal, not a negative one, as it will pursue each with equal diligence. If you set your mind to not smoking, your brain will focus on smoking, and sooner or later the word ‘not’ will be forgotten. If, however, you set your mind to getting healthier, with cessation of the foul habit of filling your lungs with poison set out as a clear part of your health plan, you will have a much higher chance of success.
 
To take a similar vein with body weight, instead of resolving to lose weight, set out to gain that slim figure that you so desire, or find your waistline (that you know is in there somewhere because you saw it a decade ago!), or become fit and agile. The change in words is so simple it may seem insignificant, but the reframing of the resolution can make all the difference.

 It’s worth bearing in mind that one session with an effective therapist or coach can help you to set out your goals for maximum effect and the ultimate positive result. Sometimes it’s invaluable to, in effect, “borrow another brain” for an objective perspective on what you are aiming to achieve.

One note of caution here is to make sure that the new activity or behaviour is not only positive, achievable and backed by sound reasoning, but is also a behaviour that you want in your life.  I don’t mind admitting that (before I had studied psychotherapy and learned how our brain works) I once pledged to give up red wine, and rather unimaginatively decided to replace it with cranberry juice. By week three I had pretty much developed an allergy to cranberry juice and I subconsciously moved the ‘goalposts’ of my resolution from ‘give up’ to ‘give up for a month’ (another trick our brains are good at). On the first of February I fell upon a bottle of wine as a drowning man would a life raft.

Denial can take many forms and, if you go about it the wrong way, ‘giving up’ alcohol or cigarettes or ‘cutting down’ on foods can unnecessarily affect more of your life than you might think. Many folk who may feel they have overindulged over the festive season just choose not to go out because they will not know what to say when somebody offers them a drink or a bag of crisps. If you are ‘on the wagon’ for January then it’s no good floundering around wondering what to say when your friend is at the bar waving a wine glass at you.

But it is equally bad to stop going out: your New Year resolution wasn’t to deny yourself a social life.  If ‘losing weight’ is your goal then it might feel easier to just not visit your Granny during January, because you know she will have a plate of leftover mince pies and Christmas cake on offer, and you haven’t the mental energy to turn it down. But not visiting her affects both of you in terms of your connection and attention needs – and you don’t want to abandon your Granny to a month of loneliness. Conversely, giving up computer games or TV is all fine and good unless it causes you to head out to the bar to fill the void with alcohol.

It’s useful here to borrow a technique well known to athletes, politicians and actors: mental rehearsal.

Work out in advance what you will say when someone offers you a cigarette, a beer or a portion of chips. If retail therapy is your poison, have a clear plan in place before those January sales catch your eye. Think it through and rehearse the words. Be absolutely clear in your mind.  Hear yourself saying those words, “no thanks, I don’t smoke” or “no thanks, I’ve switched to a healthy diet this year” or, “let’s go ice skating instead of shopping this weekend”.

Conscious rehearsal is great up to a point, but those same athletes, actors and politicians will also be using visualisation to embed the desired mindset into their subconscious. My son can close his eyes and visualise how he wants to swim his race in a certain time. I used to use the same technique to visualise the time it would take me to complete a cross country course, and therefore where I could potentially speed up. Effective speakers take a moment in a quiet corner to visualise the calm, clear, confident authority with which they will deliver their speech. Visualisation makes use of one of the most powerful of our innate resources – our imagination – to generate images of the desired reality.
 

Reframing, visualising and rehearsing your own success are often the keys to achieving what you want, and to making your New Year resolution a permanent behaviour pattern in your life. A good therapist, counsellor or coach can help to kick start the process for you.


©Julia Welstead 2017
The Edinburgh Healthy Chat Therapist

For more info visit website: http://www.healthychat.co.uk/blog/

Divorce – done with dignity and respect

I’d like to think that with nearly 5 million divorces in the UK since the 1980s (about 150,000 per year) we’d be starting to hear stories of what worked and what didn’t when a couple went through their separation. I’d like to see a culture of sharing wisdom with the next generation; knowledge filtering out to men, women, families and lawyers about how best to navigate the divorce journey. I’d like to read in magazines and blogs, accounts of couples who put their children and wellbeing-for-all at the centre of their decision to shift from nuclear to extended family and that actually they made the subsequent life changes with ease and with a feeling of control and empowerment.

As yet, I’m really not seeing that information making it’s way in the mainstream media, however, I am meeting more and more couples who want a respectfully separation and a working co-parenting relationship going forward. They come to me at Healthy Chat for mediation for 3 very important reasons:

    They don’t want conflict to be and the centre of the separation they’re ready to make
    They’re in agreement that living together is not bringing out the best in themselves or their children
    They don’t want to invest £5000 – £25,000 in joint solicitor and lawyer fees when a divorce can be simply mediated and cost-effectively processed (and with the saved fees they can each holiday for a week in the sun!)

Here are the Top 3 suggestions on how to go about a peaceful divorce process:

 1. Reject the myth of ‘divorce as a battle’

Choosing to separate because a marriage is no longer the best working model for a partnership or for parenting can be very liberating. The tradition model is one of conflict and battle and even when a couple can see the sense in divorce, often by the time they’ve each hired a lawyer to ‘protect their best interests’, the subtle suggestions of  ‘you could get more; you’ve been mistreated; your children might be taken away’ will drive a them into panic, blame and more legal-fee spending.

A more peaceful and up-to-date way of divorcing is to plan for a series of conversations (difficult at first perhaps – but they get easier) based around a concept of ‘more for all and less to none’. A couple and their children (age appropriately) can all be involved in these. Over a number of weeks and months a respectful and clear plan and time frame begins to evolve. Once that’s defined for everyone and all are in agreement, only then does the formal paperwork and reasons get passed to a family lawyer to be filed through the courts.

2. Manage your expectations: commit 6 months to the process

The right mindset from the beginning is the trick to divorcing peacefully and in a reasonable time scale. There can be many mediated group and 1-2-1 conversations to be had during this time; each helping to clarify the wisest arrangements for both parties in relation to children, living arrangements, finances, work, re-training (if one parent requires extra support to up-skill to work for more income in the future), separation of possessions, holidays, pensions and future flexibility to re-negotiate the terms.

Will the transition be painful? – it’s different for everyone, but probably. Keep in mind that it will ease in time (especially if couples priorities compassion) and than remaining in a dissatisfying marriage for another 1-5 years before you get to this point creates extended hurt anyway.

3. Trust that conscious co-parenting is in your children’s best interest

Children sense tension in a household even if they can’t put it into words. They can end up being emotionally better off in the long term once their parents agree to step up, communicate and make some changes. It might be that, through some mediated conversations, some new skills and knowledge are learned and a marriage takes on a new lease of life and everyone is happier (it happens!); and it could also be that separating whilst keeping the children’s best interests at the centre of the changes brings similar happiness over time too.

For sure this is not a simple subject and relationships are different for everyone. Life is long and it’s a good principle to re-confirm that you have many choices of how the future can be. If you can’t quite work out how to get to where you want to go for now, then borrowing a brain at Healthy Chat to help you become clear may be a very wise first step.

- See more at: Therapist Aberdeen | Counsellor in Dundee