Stress relief

Stress and its side effects are on the increase. The worst-case knock on effect of acute or ongoing stress can be depression, illness and a sense of being out-of-control of your life. So what are the stressors you need to look out for? How do you spot them? Then manage them in order to stay calm?

I was at a weekend conference recently and one of the topics was an exploration of how our world and cultures have evolved. Turns out that while you have more choice than every before in history – where you live, what you eat, which relationships you commit to and how your career progresses – you’re actually not always fully equipped to manage the range of choices too far beyond what you’ve been taught are ‘normal’ and ‘right’.

So if your parents did a church, white wedding, you’re more likely to want the same regardless of whether you’ve been active in developing your faith up to the point of choosing marriage. Equally if your peers all commit to university as the right next step after high school, you may well be swayed that way even though the best choice for you could be to go straight into work, do an apprenticeship or start up on your own from day one.

Each of these compromises, the choices that take you away from where your intuition is guiding you, increases the stressors in your life and impacts your health and sense of wellbeing. So how do you navigate your own path? How do you get to a place where life has success and meaning for you for now and for whenever you view your future?

The key is calmness. Keeping an emotional equilibrium allows your brain to filter in the best choices for you at any given time. Investing time in knowing what you want from life will also fast track your decision making and your ability to achieve. So get some clarity around who you most like to spend time with, what your career goals are, where you want to travel, how fit you want to be, how you want to contribute to your community and what activities make you most happy in any given moment.

Developing calmness – which leads to awareness – can be done in any number of ways. You can do it through breathing, mindfulness, running, swimming, mediation, prayer, reading, writing, talking, quiet contemplation, exploring, painting … the list is endless. You can work out what’s most effective for the person you are and the lifestyle you lead. Then as you practice integrating conscious calmness into your life you’ll notice that your thoughts remain clearer, your decision making becomes more targeted, your compromising reduces and your sense of self-worth and achievement are daily celebrations.

Relief from stress is a positive choice. It’s a necessary part of achieving in today’s increasingly complex world. And it’s your route to opportunity and meaning in a way that only you would resonate with. Your life, your life choices, your calm happiness.

Successful Retirement

If you ask an under 30 what successful retirement means to them I’m sure at least 95 % of them would look mystified. Ask the same question to an over 50 and 95% of them would have an idea of how they want to spend their time and how their process for planning for it is progressing. So where’s and what is the tipping point?

The traditional word ‘retirement’ brings to mind a mid-sixties person who has committed to a career for 40 or more years. They’ve earned a change of routine and no longer want to work.

There’s a new perception of retirement evolving though and it’s this – a time where you no longer need to work, but you choose to because the selected work that you contribute to is something you love. Where there’s financial independence in someones 30s, 40s or 50s they might realistically ‘retire’ from the need to work and commit time only to the people and projects that uplift their lives, utilise their skills and get the outcomes that makes them most happy.

Whatever type of retirement you’ve created in your mind, one things’ for sure, to make it successful you have to be clear what you want to spend your time on. It could be any or all of family, reading, consulting, sport, travel, investment in your community, new learning, relaxing, campaigning … anything at all – the time is yours to design and develop as you wish.

Change of any kind can be challenging so when 40 years of routine with a community of colleagues comes to an end, don’t be to hard on yourself if the adjustment to managing your own time takes a bit of a while. The key is persisting, planning, doing more of what you notice you’re enjoying and less of what you notice you’re not.

Succeeding with significant life changes make up much of what we have conversations about at Healthy Chat. Clients get super clear on what success would look like for them  – they imagine, they speak it out, they hear themselves be convincing and subsequently their brain is honed to bring about that satisfying outcome for them in as short a time as possible. Whether it’s retirement, relationships, career change, lifestyle change, successful marriage, friendly divorce, teenage changes, it’s always a smoother process to get right first time (because we all get their in the end …even if it takes a few shots) when there’s clarity, a strategy and a heap of positive feedback.

Successful retirement – you can, you can, you can.

 

Your relationship with risk

For many people ongoing exposure to new risks and lots of change is a sure fire formula for panic attacks or at the very least stress-related physical symptoms. For about a year now I’ve held the intention to open up a ‘conversation shop’; somewhere where people can come and talk to a variety of highly trained professionals and walk away after 60-mintues with a sense of clarity, hope and uplift about their future — a brand new perspective on their life.

Sounds amazing, right?

I’ve run a variety of businesses over the past 10 years — some more successful than others — and I’ve learned a lot in that time about risk, confidence and self-care. I now do as much as I know how to do and then let go of the rest. I trust that after a period of conscious due diligence, the extra stuff I need to learn is just going to have to happen as I step out on the journey. I’ve learned to trust in people’s good will. I treat myself with gentleness and respect (mostly!). And I know that unless someone’s walked the path of entrepreneurship and personally put their skills, finances and reputation on the line, I don’t overly value their business-related advice.

With all this in mind I figured I was pretty skilled when it came to managing risk. I could manage my thoughts and feelings and stay healthy and balanced while I stretch beyond my known comfort zone. So I was surprised to say the least when 3 weeks ago my body started to react to all this change, this upscaling, this re-defining my business model and client list — and I got ill. I presented with a fever, hacking coughing (proper anti-social!) and a feeling of not being part of the people or world I was in. I floated through those 21 days being there — in my meetings, during my calls, playing my sport (what was I thinking!!) — but really NOT being there.

I’ve realised through the not very pleasant process that conscious awareness does not excuse you from sub-conscious fear. And that having to stretch and step up at every life juncture where change is occurring is part of the process — and we may just have to face the fear (in our mind, body or both) and get on with the process. It could be you setting up a new business, or it could be change or risk in the form of marriage, divorce, a career move, an illness, a new community, a promotion, a job loss — whatever. Stick with the vision.

In the signing of a contract and the right support from the right people at the right time (thank goodness for the diamonds that are friends and family!), my risk knowledge has gone up a level. And I’m excited now. I’m recovering and energised for this next adventure: to serve adults and children with psychotherapeutic and success coaching services — to support them each through change, stretching and their own relationships with risk. The shop is open for Healthy Chats — life-changing conversations.

Enough with tolerating

This afternoon I chose to leave work a little early and go down to the pool for some exercise and some mind clearing. After 30 minutes and with 64 lengths done and dusted (that’s a mile exactly if you’re wondering about the random number) I headed to the showering area.

As I was washing my hair a woman with a young son and daughter pushed the buttons of the showers opposite. Whilst the mum and son quietly got on with their shampooing, the daughter felt the water on her back and said ‘burning, burning, burning …’. Strangely though, she didn’t step out from underneath the heat of the shower. She stayed in there chanting ‘burning, burning, burning …’ over and over again as her mum encouraged her to ‘get on with it, get your hair washed’ and re-pressed the water button for more.

Clearly the child wasn’t genuinely burning or anywhere near it, but it got me thinking …

How many of us tolerate ongoing discomfort on a daily basis without taking action to change things? How many people speak to friends and family about how demoralising is their job, or how disrespectful is their relationship, then get up the next day and tolerate it all over again. How many adults suffer weeks, months and years of repetitive, joy-less ‘burning, burning, burning …’ in their life expecting someone else to show up and rescue them? Far too many is the answer.

The dictionary defines tolerating as ‘allowing the existence, occurrence, or practice of something that one dislikes or disagrees with without interference’. So why do we do that? Where do we learn that that’s ok?

In my experience there are 2 main reasons: the first is that we’ve seen tolerating modelled to us from a young age (parents in an unhappy marriage for example) or society tells us there’s one right way (‘divorce would be failing’) and we haven’t thought to challenge those models; and the second is that tolerating creeps up on us so slowly and over such an extended amount of time that we’ve forgotten that the contrasting experience really exists.

Whatever the reason, if you’re reading this and you’re an adult tolerating stressful, depressing, disrespectful days on end, then it’s time to stop it. And the first step’s already occurred – you’ve noticed. Sometimes that’s all that needs to happen because then you’ll begin to spot that choices are available to you.

Choosing not to tolerate means making a choice for change.

And change doesn’t have to be sudden, severe or painful – I’m not advocating job quitting or relationship ditching (although they could be valid choices – only you’ll know). I’m saying this:

• Start to pay attention to your discomfort
• Use it to create a contrasting thought (eg. if I DON’T want to be given the routine tasks at work every day, it means I DO want to get involved with some special projects. Do you feel the empowerment of shifting a don’t to a do?)
• Write down the outcome you want to achieve (it’s good to be reminded should you have some weaker moments)
• Take action (talk to someone, research your choices, skill yourself up to get the result you want, be patient (your partner might take a while to get up to speed) and be persistent (don’t go back to how things were)
• Review every day whether your thought changes, new conversations and action taking are getting you closer to the vision

You’re a valuable, smart, worthy human being. Choose every moment to believe that. When you stand up for happiness, you’ll be surprised who’ll show up to stand with you.

A psychotherapist worth their salt

When you’re seeking out a psychotherapist in Dundee, Edinburgh, Glasgow or London, how will you know a good one from a mediocre one? It’s not like a hairdresser where every friend you have has been to one so you can ask for a recommendation from your mate with a hairstyle or colour you love.

As with any trained person whose expertise you want to access – a graphic designer, a doctor, a sports coach, a financial planner, a career advisor  – there are outstanding ones and there are ones who should genuinely be avoided. And the good ones are not necessarily the ones who are shouting the loudest or have the ‘trappings’ that go with success (infact often the opposite).

You’ll know the good ones because they love their work, they’re patient, they’re respectful and they’ll talk to you like they’re interested – because they authentically are – and you’ll probably hear about them from a satisfied client long before you’re hit by flash marketing stories. On the subject of psychotherapists – many can make some difference – although can they make THE difference, for YOU, right now?

When you’ve got to the point of not accepting another day with depression, anxiety, panic attacks or anorexia – use this checklist as a guide to finding the help you need.

An effective counsellor of psychotherapist:

• understands depression and how to lift it
• helps immediately with anxiety problems such as panic attacks, nightmares, post traumatic stress, phobias and trauma
• is prepared to give information and advice as needed
• will not use jargon or ‘psychobabble’ or tell you that counselling or psychotherapy has to be painful
• will not dwell unduly on the past
• will be supportive when difficult feelings emerge, but won’t encourage people to get emotional beyond the normal need to let go of bottled up feelings
• will help you to both draw and build upon your own inner resources (which may prove greater than you thought)
• may assist you to develop your social skills so that your needs for affection, friendship, pleasure, intimacy, connection to the wider community etc can be better fulfilled
• will be considerate of the effects of counselling on the people close to you
• may teach you to relax deeply
• will help you to think about your problems in new and more empowering ways
• uses a wide range of techniques as appropriate
• may ask you to do things between sessions
• will take as few sessions as possible
• will increase your self-confidence and independence and make sure you feel better after every consultation.

As you’ll know from the material on the Healthy Chat website, we only use Human Givens psychotherapists: they’re fast, effective and practical (research has shown Human Givens is 3 time more effective than the next most effective therapy known!). The list above is one that we each adhere to as a minimum set of professional standards.

If you want a psychotherapist in Aberdeen, Liverpool or Penzance – feel free to call us first. If we have a Healthy Chat practitioner nearby, we’ll put you in touch straight away. In defining life moments, borrow only the best brain, for the fastest recovery. You deserve it.

Are you really ready for change?

It might seem like an ‘of course I am’ question, but as a psychotherapist in Dundee, with clients from Edinburgh, Glasgow, London — throughout the UK — I have to be sure each person is genuinely committed to the changes they say they want.

I met a lovely guy last month. He had suffered from depression a few times in his life. I didn’t know this as I begun to talk about the speed and effectiveness of the Human Givens approach. He said ‘but what you’re talking about wouldn’t have worked for someone like me; my depression couldn’t have been resolved quickly. It took a long time to get to depression so it took a long time to turn round’. Thankfully, this guy is upbeat, positive and impressively confident today. It did get me wondering though about how much a psychotherapist can deliver if their client holds a set of limiting beliefs like that.

Most clients are I’m glad to say committed to quick change; they don’t want another day of depression, panic attacks or trauma symptoms and they’ll re-think, re-prioritise and re-learn — whatever it takes to re-access a life of choices and freedom quickly.

Some say they are but are genuinely not ready for making adjustments. So why would they want to continue with their anxiety, their addiction or their self-harming? Well the answer to that is complex but at the foundation there has to be a perceived benefit (often subconscious) to remaining in their state of difficulty. Perhaps a person gets their attention needs met by not being able to leave their house so instead having family or carers come in and see them every day in the meantime. Perhaps a person likes the control they can exert by keeping to only 500 calories a day when their body wants 1500. Or perhaps a person remains in an abusive relationship because the story they’re playing out is about ‘having someone is better than having no-one’.

Whatever the reason, there will come a point when enough is enough and that’s often when a person will jump onto Google, search ‘therapy in Dundee … or Edinburgh or wherever’, find me (Jennifer Broadley) at Healthy Chat and pick up the phone for a first conversation. Can i just say right now that those people who make it as far as picking up the phone and speaking to me (or one of my Healthy Chat practitioners) are genuinely courageous and change-desiring individuals. For them I have confidence that the structure of how Human Givens psychotherapy is built will serve them quickly and effectively and they’re going to be implementing change and reaping the rewards from as quickly as the first session.

The challenge comes when a parent or a partner has done the persuading and a client is seeing me to pacify that person in their life. They’re showing up in body, by their mind and emotional engagement is totally elsewhere. They haven’t reached the stage yet where the discomfort they’re experiencing on a day-to-day basis is greater than the fear of doing something about it. And unfortunately this mindset is a stretch for any therapist to turn round.

Emotional and mental health have extraordinary subtleties relating to each individual who thinks and progresses through life. To get people back to operating independently, hopefully and creatively is a skill set. To support people to function healthily in relationship with themselves before they attempt to do so with others takes wisdom, know-how and patience. But overall, if a client has been down far enough that the only way now is up, then Healthy Chat, me, Human Givens psychotherapy and all the skills and experience of my therapists WILL make a difference. It’s about power in partnership — because we’re all a part of each other’s solution.

Investing in yourself

My favourite phonecalls are the ones from people who have heard about Healthy Chat or have searched for a coach, a counsellor or a psychotherapist in their area and are taking positive action to change their lives. If a company isn’t paying for their coaching, or an organisation isn’t funding their personal development, or a person’s medical insurance isn’t financing their psychotherpay … it can only mean one thing … the person calling me is committed to investing in themselves.

If that’s you I can tell from the outset you’re a motivated, forward thinking, realistic individual who knows that sometimes progress can only be made with some highly-focussed support. That knowledge puts you ahead of 90% of the planet. Much can be learned from parents, teachers, peers, colleagues and books, however sometimes there’s just no faster way of understanding where you want to go and making a clear plan to getting there than working with a coach for a session or two.

I hired my first coach when I was 32 years old. I had interviewed 6 in all (each in the US because in the early millenium there was no such thing as an executive coach in the UK!), and ultimately I picked a wise man in his 60s who was calm, intuitive and positive. He’d had 40 years of corporate life, he’d set up his own businesses and he was now semi-retired and living in a lake-view log cabin with his wife and near their children and grandchildren.

I selected him over the other coaches partly because of his life and career experience (which I could see myself emulating) and mainly because he hadn’t tried to supply me with suggestions or solutions. He just said – ‘if you think something’s possible, it likely is’.

I worked with him for over a year as I grew my first business from a single client to my first hundred clients and beyond. I spent those sessions detailing ‘I want the next part to be like this’ and my coach would ask great questions:

• what does that feel like when you see yourself signing that contract / serving that team / making a difference to that group of professionals
• what are you willing to let go in order to achieve that
• what are you unwilling to sacrifice to get that result
• how can you add more value and go the extra mile
• how can you remain authentic as a single mum, a new business owner, a student and a teacher

I stretched way beyond what I was comfortable doing – marketing my coaching services, asking for recommendations, growing my business every month, meeting with CEOs and HR Directors, presenting from a stage, running diversity programs for 100s of people at a time.

It wasn’t at all easy. I cried often. I challenged my limiting thoughts and stepped into each fear as it presented itself. I live now with the benefits of all that stretching. And I’m still doing it. I’ve had 8 coaches between that year and now. Each one was valuable for the life chapter I was in. Some were extraordinarily powerful … others I moved on from pretty quickly. And so is life’s journey. A process of visions, trials, stretches, lessons and victories.

I’m ready now for a next chapter of change. I’ve selected the coach to partner me with staying clear, motivated and authentic. What about you?